(not) SEO Gurus “Secret Tactics” To Make You (no) Money Online

Man-Bear-Pig with Al GoreHey forlorn, sad and bleak little aspiring “entrepreneurs”! You look a bit gloomy today (as usual)… Depressed? Can’t make all that money online you thought you would make? Struggling with the bills? Starving for SOME income? Are you in that desperate place where you would believe and do ANYTHING to succeed?

If you’ve answered YES to all those questions (or just to one or two… Know what? Let’s say a roundish zero) and you want to earn a lot of MONEYz even if it involves sanctifying shit like ManBearPig, then you are just the perfect prey! Oh, sorry… Did I say “prey”? Meant to say “perpetual income autopilot for realz candidate”…

I’m so totally jealous of you right now because all the SEO gurus has some alluring offers tailored especially for you (for the naive and the hopeless)! “Wow Mr. blogger, that sounds amazing, tell me more!” you probably say right now, “I want to promote my website with dubious never-proved SEO tactics too!”

Okay, so before you’ll outburst from enthusiasm-mania, let’s begin with Brad Callen’s (Bizarro World’s most reputable marketer) SEOLinkvine software. Here’s what the SEO magician Callen (as no one calls him) had to say about this fabulous (as no one describes it) product:

Get Permanent, Top Google Rankings for ALL of Your Keywords, Crush Your Competition & Dramatically Increase Your FREE Search Engine Traffic Using The Secret Technique I’m About To Share With You In This Video.

H-O-L-L-Y SHIT! “Permanent, Top Google Rankings”? It’s like 4ever! If you just use Brad’s secret technique (and pay him measly $67 along the way), you can get an immense amount of traffic always and always until the internet will die! I don’t know about you, but I’m already shouting my credit card number at the computer! (that didn’t worked for some reason)

And it must be true because the ultra-reliable Brad just said so and people aren’t suppose to lie… Right? Besides, he has all those honest {giggles in the background} testimonials on the site and they can’t be fake because the FTC don’t like this kind of shenanigans. So I suggest you to follow Brad’s SEOLinkvine secret formula:

SEO Secret Formula (BS)

But wait just one lousy second… That can’t be right… We already established alongside our piggy friend that it might be not so wise to create many unnatural links… Hey Brad, did you just tried to swindle us? Does all that “top rankings forever and ever” talk was just a smooth deceit to get into our wallet (and possibly our panties)?

Fuck you Brad, go play your sadomasochism doctor and patient games with Darth Vader, you sick fuck! I’m moving forward to SEO FightBack by the lovely don’t-drop-your-soap-in-the-shower couple, Jacobo Benitez & Michael Carlin. After $50,000+ in “development costs” and two years “in the making” (and sucking each other balls), they finally launched this CrAzY product:

*NEW* Panda AND Penguin-Proof ‘Fluid SEO’ Technology Grabs Google’s #1 Spots For More Traffic, Sales And Income!

WOW… I’m so turned on by their fluid SEO gayness right now… They are promising Google’s number one spots, like in plural (many number ones)! And they are so up-to-date! They actually know what are those Panda and Penguin updates! I’m so gonna trust them not to Rufie me…

So how much this whole many-number-ones thing going to cost? ONLY $4.95?! That’s almost nothing! How can you be wrong for poor five bucks? Oh, I didn’t read the fine print there, it’s $4.95 PLUS $67 a MONTH! That’s sums up to {calculating…} something like more than $800 a YEAR! That’s quite a lot for the little guy…

But hey, you worked two years for this product and spent $50,000 to develop this revolutionary innovative technology {chuckles in the background} so it must be worth all those Pesos. Say, what the fuck does your product do anyway?

They’re [Google] scything through public link-building services like the internet’s grim reaper!

So here’s what we did to make SEO Fightback safe and secure…

We created an invincible network.

HOLLY FUCKING GUACAMOLE! How nobody ever thought about THAT! A blog network which is… invincible! It’s not like that others, which perhaps were much bigger and definitely more sophisticated, have tried that before… Did they?

Okay, okay, go fuck yourselves Jacobo & Michael (altogether natch). I’m fed up with all this useless automatic link building crap, any other (fishy) SEO gurus wanna suggest something? Oh, hi there PageOne Curator’s Paul Clifford… What’s that? Yeah I know, links sucks! So you recognize that “all Google wants is quality content”? That’s surprising…

But how can we get this mystical “quality content”, lord Clifford?

PageOne Curator BS

Yeah, it’s hard to write a lot of original quality content and it certainly takes AGES… So if we can’t write the content OURSELVES (god forbid), how the hell can we obtain this goddamned precious valuable content? What say you, Paul Clifford?

Search for fresh and exciting articles from Google blog search, News search, Twitter or your even your own feeds. When you have found a good new source of content you can either use it immediately, or save it in your own collection.

Logical. The New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, Reuters, TechCrunch, The Huffington Post, all of them are just plain stupid! Creating ALL of the content themselves, like for AGES… What a joke! Why should you spend all of your priceless time on the icky process of writing when you can simply {hurray!} “curate”?

PageOne Curator! Can be at your disposal NOW, just for $47! “Curate” all the super-interesting content from the web into your site and it would become mega-profitable! It’s so easy, it’s so fast, it’s so simple (but unfortunately enough it’s also so bullshit).

I don’t know if YOU ever heard about that little term “duplicate content”, but Google definitely heard about it. It appears that for some inexplicit reason, the search engine doesn’t fond content which can also be found in many other websites! So although “curate” sounds like a prestigious fancy word, it could seriously fuck you up…

That’s it you guys! Those were just some of the SEO “gurus” out there that can teach you the secret tactics for (non)traffic and (non)income! If you liked this post please Like, Tweet, +1 and share it (because I’m too dumb to know any SEO secrets myself).

Note: I didn’t include any links to the fictionally-proved SEO products because I don’t want to promote them in any fucking way.