An Openhearted Letter From Apple To Google

Apple Letter To Google

Dear Google,

first of all, we here in Apple want to take this opportunity and congratulate you for the evidently successful launch of the Nexus 7 tablet. We think you did a fantastic job developing a great cheap mobile device which approaches directly to the simple peasants!

Yeah, we know that our customers are much cooler and definitely more affluent but we have to give you the credit… Going after the simple folks with a $200 tablet in this economic climate is a brilliant strategy! In fact, we were so impressed from this booming move to breach the “farmer barrier”, that we just might try to take their money too!

You see our search friend, today we already hold around 70% of the tablet market share and we can’t allow your lil’ new venture to interfere with our plans of world domination. Oops! Did we say “world domination”? We meant to say “better world for all”… Sometimes, the small devilicious shareholder on our right shoulder confuses us…

Anywayz, another topic on the agenda is your mapping service. You know, this service that basically anyone on the planet use when there’s a need for directions or to locate some venue, “Google Maps”? Yeah, we’ve decided we don’t want it anymore. On the upcoming release of iOS 6– Bye bye Google Maps, hello Apple Maps!

It just that we can’t let you anymore directing people’s routes according to your own “crazy” caprices. We want to know where people are going! We want to coordinate their traffic! We want all the local businesses’ listings! We want all this beautiful direct and indirect mone… Oh, shut up again diabolic shareholder, they can hear us!

Next issue, YouTube… Remember when we just begun rolling out iOS, during the days when we still had our flourishing bromance? Back then, we’ve decided to create a YouTube app FOR YOU because we wanted to push HTML5 on the expense of this wretched Flash format.

But now, Flash is almost dead (YES, WE KILLED IT!) so can you please kindly explain why the fuck we still need to develop a YouTube app? Don’t bother replying because We are not really looking for an answer. The YouTube app will be gone from iOS 6 as well. Poof! But in this case, we have a feeling you won’t be so upset…

In our own Applish YouTube app, because we don’t intend to contribute any income to your sorry ass, we aren’t allowing any ads to roll. However, if you create your Googlish app, you can pollute it with all the advertisements you want! A classic win-win situation!

Well, maybe it’s not entirely a win-win situation because those consumers who actually USES the app will get to see more ads (but who really gives a fuck about them, right?). And besides, let’s face it, you totally control the online video industry. Who can really take your place, Vimeo? (malicious laughter)

As for the last real piece of leverage you have over us, web search, we’ll keep your search engine as the default one in Safari. For the time being. But just for you to know (considering we are so open and all), we are eagerly waiting for the moment you’ll fuck up in that area so we could switch to Bing.

It’s not like we like Microsoft (we have a long history of despising them), but we really really really (really) hate you guys! You try to stick your noise in ALMOST ANY tech sector and we have our own megalomania to nurture.

On the good news, we’ve decided to integrate Google+ much deeper into our products! From now on, users could share, +1 and Hangout directly from within all… (mocking giggles and chuckles) No, no, just kidding of course! Sorry for that but we still think you quite pathetic in social… We’ll stick to Facebook and Twitter.

Thank you for your attention (and please don’t forget to go fuck yourself),

Your arch-nemesis, Apple.